Lesson Two

The Lair

There's no place like evil lair.

- Megamind

Progress! You have your dark, or not, origins, motivation, a super cool and chilly name, as well as your endgame for your career in villainy. Now, before you get to fighting the superheroes or hiring help, you need infrastructure. Without a proper infrastructure, your plans are hobbled. This is why this lesson will take a look at some of the more common types of evil lairs and what you can do to protect your home from goody-two-shoes.

Without a proper hideout, it does not matter how well you pulled off that heist or how charming you might be in presenting your non-villainous alter ego to the world, it is only a matter of time when some vigilante or other will want to put an end to your schemes. Almara Tirani, one of the most successful researchers of villainy discovered that with proper infrastructure, you can avoid capture up to three months, which is upped to six with proper defenses. 

There are several options available, of course we will only count the most common. We will also inform you of their pros and cons so you will have a better picture when you decide to venture into real estate. Picking a design is very important as you will spend most of your time in your evil lair, it will be a venue of safety, comfort, security, as well as a good place to hide that death ray you have been developing; a space to make your own.

Now, for a building that is very rundown, sits empty most of the time (if you do not count rats and other rodents), abandoned warehouses are surprisingly well-documented. Nowadays, this information is easily available online in different city databases, so count that in when squatting in such place. Not to mention that some might be falling into disrepair due to being unused, so watch your step.

Abandoned warehouse is a classic choice for a villain that is just starting or a villain on a budget and leaves little room for traps and other defenses, but has its rustic charm that is incredibly hard to resist.

While a castle is easily defensible that fact can be turned against when you are trying to acquire one, especially if said castle is a national landmark. Make sure to either depose a small European nation first, so you could move in without a hassle or infiltrate the building from the sewers. No one looks at the sewers. Of course having a castle for a lair is kind of like pointing a neon sign at your location, but on another hand, maybe superheroes will think you are too powerful to trifle with.

There are some drawbacks to this kind of lair. Mostly, the costs are enormous when it comes to construction and its upkeep. It is not as if there are a lot of unused undersea facilities for you to take for your own nefarious means. It is also not the most appropriate place to come up with wicked idea if you are claustrophobic. We suggest you invest in very durable glass and other materials when buildings this base.

If you are not a fan of mountainous areas, expect to spend a lot for landscaping. Interestingly enough, volcano lairs often tend to attract an infestation of European spies, British variety most of all. The investment is certainly worth it though, if you do not mind occasional death of a minion. 

However, the perfect blend of extravagance, solitude and (almost) no superheroes comes from our last lair type, an orbiting satellite. There is no better way to exact your revenge than from the comfort of a metal structure 23,000 miles above your foes. Not to mention an entire planet, not just your city will tremble in fear before you.

You need enough know-how and money to deal with the hassle of an orbiting satellite, and should you have henchmen, basic astronaut training is a must, since we guarantee that without it, someone is going to pop the airlock open sooner or later.

Construction

Now that you have picked your type of lair, or designed a completely new one, you need good, cheap labor that will be quiet when either the police or superheroes show up. You will be dealing with all manner of people, electricians, mechanics, stonemasons, trainers of vicious or exotic animals, contractors that will ensure your lair has water, sanitation and power, you name it. 

It goes without saying that building your own lair can put a serious strain on your finances. To keep your expenses down, we propose these three techniques, as they are quite tried and true.

• Familiarize yourself with the basics of construction. Make sure that you have a passable working knowledge of all the little things that make your lair tick. Watch some YouTube videos, read a book, heck, even watch a movie. This way, you will not be taken for a fool by unscrupulous contractors and can negotiate a lower price.
• Payment on completion. Try to arrange this sort of payment as there is a high chance that you are going to do away with most workers after the construction is finished, so you will not have to pay them. Very fiscally responsible move.
• Hostages. So, you might be a bit squeamish with killing people, so new into the villainous ways. Okay, you can always take their loved ones as hostages. The payment for their safe return will be a completed lair. Sure, you are not going to hurt them, but the construction workers do not know that, now do they?

Features

You got the layout of the lair, you got your construction plans worked out, now you get to have some fun. No, really. While your secret lair is a place of refuge from the pressures of the day-to-day villainous revelry, it should also be a functional defensive area to protect you from anyone who would dare to challenge you.

Which means traps, weapons, hidden doors, maybe a whole wall plasma TV? Anything your hearts desires really. What matters is that you make your lair unique to you. In the first lesson we talked about your villainous name. Use that name and make the lair in its image. Are you known as the Poisonous Queen of Hearts? Heart-shaped windows and hidden spikes in the walls tipped with poison. Are you The Bishop King? Forget the lava moat and get yourself some suits of armor and checkered floors. You get it.

Remember! With some time, money and a lot of love and care, any structure can become your very own evil lair.

Villain Archetypes Part Two